Stop Pimping Spirituality to Satisfy Your Senses

Don't front...we've all been there!  We use spirituality, religion, astrology, or even a fortune cookie to try to finesse our way into believing the person we are in relationship with is divinely or purposefully connected to us, when in actuality, it's just us trying to appeal to our senses of physical attraction, loneliness, or fear of never finding "the one."

The problem with appealing to our senses is that it oftentimes leaves us in a bigger state of confliction that leads to affliction and ultimately disrupts our peace. 

In this episode, I discuss the importance of recognizing when we're appealing to our senses vs. spirituality, identifying the motivation or intent of the relationship, why it's important to set goals for your relationships instead of simply hashtagging #RelationshipGoals, and the signs to recognize healthy relationship conflict vs. conflict due to misalignment. 


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Transcript

TOS-Stop Pimping Spirituality To Satisfy Your Senses
Hello and welcome to the Oasis Space, where we disrupt your current chaos with
curated PPIF, I am your host, Patrice Grimes, a.k.a. the peace curator. And listen, I am
not about to start this episode with all the extra fluff, all the extra accolades, etc.,
because I want to get into it. All right. I feel like we've been doing this for too long. We've
been playing this game too long. I've been seeing this pattern for too long. And it's time
to come to a stop. All right. Like I'm talking about a screeching halt. And what I mean by
coming to a stop is stop pimping spirituality to satisfy your senses. That's right. I'm not
going to play. It is twenty, twenty-one. And we got to stop playing. All right. What I mean
by stop pimping spirituality to satisfy your senses is we have got to stop using God,
Allah, Zodiac signs like if you're into astrology, whatever it is that you subscribe to, we
have to stop utilizing that and using that as a reason or an excuse to stay in these toxic
relationships, using that as a way to say like God is, is using the relationship for some
divine purpose when in reality that's not what it is. OK, we can call a spade a spade
today. We don't call a fraud a fraud. That's not what it is. OK, and the reason why I
specifically use pimping is, you know, I like definitions. All right? I'm a definition's kind of
girl.
And I know all of you are smart and intelligent that listen to this podcast. But for the
sake of really breaking down what I mean by this, a pimp is a man who controls
prostitutes and arranges clients for them. Taking part of their earnings in return or
another definition is to make something more showy or impressive. So essentially what
I'm saying is like what you're not going to do like we have to stop controlling spirituality,
stop manipulating it, stop arranging it for what we want it to be to satisfy our senses,
stop using spirituality and making it more. Shall we stop making it more impressive, like
stop making it more than what it is to ultimately satisfy our senses? And I want to get
into this because I think how this kind of came up in this idea like I said, I've been saying
the pattern, but even more so for my math fans out. They are married, at first sight,
Page and Chris, my lord, this season. Now, let me just go ahead and put the disclaimer
out. Now, I didn't finish the season, so if someway chance they got it together, good for
them. But the first, I think, five, six episodes that I saw, it was a hot mess. OK, and I'm
basing this off of that. OK, so if they got it together, y'all let me know because I did not
research it. I had enough of them.
I had enough of the foolishness. But for those of you that don't know, Married at First
Sight is a reality TV show where these couples are paired blindly together and they
essentially just what the title says, they get married at first sight. So they are mean to
each other for the first time as they are walking down the aisle. And so this particular
couple, Paige and Chris, were pair together what the experts thought would have been
a good pair. And on the outside looking in looks like they would be a good pair. But this
man, Chris, was so toxic. The things that he did to this woman I'm talking about slept
with her while he knew he had no intentions of a future with her. He was attracted to her
body but thought she was physically unattractive and said that, you know, that he had
gotten nauseous by sleeping with her. I mean, the things that he put this girl through, he
put her through the wringer. And I'm going to stop there because I you know, I know
you. I'm I watch the season. You know, I try not to give out spoilers and stuff like that,
even though the season is over. But, you know, y'all might watch it at some point. But it
was a mess. It was a hot mess. And every time she would give him chance after chance
after chance and she would default to will God brought us together, he wouldn't have
brought us on.
Initially, when were put us through this experience, and it's like, ma'am, ma'am, we're
not going to do this guy or not put you with this man as going gonna call you ugly and
just sleep with you on the first time y'all have gotten together to use you sexually
because he thinks your body is banging, but he can't stand to look at your face to what
the point he gets noshes. I don't think God would ordain that. Let's not do that, OK? I
don't think he would he would have you get together. And then this man would all be like
literally two weeks into your marriage. If it was even two weeks, they might have been
two days. You know, there are certain things is like, no, this is that this is my God girl we
knock-on. We're not going to put this on my father. I don't know what guy you're serving.
I don't know. What are you serving? I don't know what stars Moons, the astrologist that
you looking at, you know, because people are allowed to say about, you know, oh,
yeah, I'm, um, I'm a Gemini. So, you know, Libra is a perfect match. Honestly, I don't
even know if that's right or not. I just picked two that that came to the top of my head.
But people be so serious about it, they'd be so serious, like, I can't talk to this person
because of the Zodiac or me, you know, this is my person because they are the Zodiac
sign.
Right. But regardless, Zodiac, Christianity, Muslim, whatever it is, and whatever
whoever Paige was serving, I don't believe any of those gods was telling her that this
man was ordained based on the foolishness that I saw. But it's like how often have
some of us probably been in similar situations, maybe not as a string, but it's been
similar, you know, and we're going to keep it real in the oasis space because that's what
we do here. We're going to keep it real. And so I want to kind of go into this concept,
right, because I said we're going to stop pimping spirituality to satisfy our senses. And
we are aware that they are five senses. And so let's start by breaking that down. Five
senses are starting with our eyes. OK, so oftentimes our eyes, nose, mouth, ears,
hands, so it senses is being able to see, smell, taste, hear and touch. Right. Those are
the five senses. I think we learned that as kids. And so as we go through these five
senses. Right. I want to break that down because it's like how often do we get with
somebody based on what our eyes see? Right. Based on the physical appearance? Oh,
he is fine. Like, oh, he tall, dark, and handsome, right. Or she bad. She got a fat
whatever. Like, you know, you know what you check in for, you know, everybody got
their preferences and everyone can be misled based on physical appearance alone.
Right. Like we all know that you want to enjoy what it is that you're looking at. Right. But
sometimes we will try to again, pimp spirituality just for the sake of appealing to those
senses of that. This person is just fine. I like the way I look. I like the way we look
together. Therefore, I'm going to say that this is something more day. I'm going to say
that there's this divine purpose. I'm going to say that, you know, we are connected for a
reason when the reality is it's no reason. You just like looking at this person. Right. Let's
just keep it real. They're nice to look at. Right. Then we have a smell, which is, you
know, sniffing with our nose. And the way I kind of actually interpret this when we use it
in our senses is not like I mean, of course, anybody knows me. I love a good smell.
Good. OK, from the candles to the perfume to the air fresheners, I mean, I will stand in
the Wal-Mart line, sniff in air fresheners for thirty minutes, OK? I do not judge me, Judge
ya mama. Oh. But like I love I live for some good smell. Good. But that is not even how I
interpret it. When I think of the, you know, satisfying our senses, when I think of smell or
nose, I think of being nosy. Sometimes we will pimp out spirituality to satisfy our senses
for the sake of being nosy.
And what I mean by being nosy is because we're nosy going in that person's business,
we see something in them that it looks to be a story that appears to be appealing. It
looks like it's something that we can dig deeper into. It looks to be a story that we can
appear to be the hero because some of us have that hero complex. We want to be a
superwoman. We want. To be Superman, we want to come in and save the day and so
we become nosey to where we dive deep in acts, all of the questions that are required
to then become this hero in the relationship. You want to be saved, save, save. I want to
say save. But, you know, you want to be saving people, right? Best that becomes your
M.O. So you become nosy. You ask Aschiana, you snooping around, you asking all
these questions because you want to know all the things you want to get super deep so
you can feel like you're coming in to save the day. So your appeal people, your senses
are appealed, are peeling based off of that. Right. The third sense mouth taste. Right.
And the way again, I perceive that is the things being said. Right. So we're using our
mouth not just to taste things, but what are they saying. Right. So sometimes we know
that people can say all the sweet nothings. They say all the right things. But actions
don't follow.
And I know this one can be challenging because we also know that, you know, words of
affirmation are a love language. Right. So for those people, you know, I know I'm
someone that likes words of affirmation, but for those people, words of affirmation can
you know, that could be everything. So the things that people are saying, am I that
myself deal you over the moon like, oh, he called me before he calls me. Is he you
know, he's saying all the right things all the time. And you are blinded by that, by what
they're saying and not paying attention to the inconsistent actions. And so because of
what they're saying, you will tell yourself this must be enlightenment. This must be
ordained, this must be appointed. This must be a divine connection. Right. Just based
on what they those saying nothing else, everything else going to hell. But because of
what they're saying, it must be right. OK, then we have here, which again, this is what
we're obviously we're hearing with our ear. And sometimes I interpret this as how we
satisfy that since this is when we are listening to other people. So when we're listening
to other people, listen to the opinions of other people, such as well, when are you going
to get married? When are you all settled down? When are you going to do this? Oh,
yeah. He's probably a nice person. She's probably a nice girl. Like, you know, they're
good enough because I want some grandbabies left.
But let's keep it plain, OK? Because family sometimes can be the most challenging
people. That will be the ones giving their opinions about your biological clock ticking or
you know, how they need some grandbabies, whatever, how you ain't no younger like
you needed a reminder, you know. But sometimes we listen to other people and their
opinions of what's best for us. And separately, we will listen to them on relationship
advice, even though we know in our heart of hearts that that's not the right alignment.
But we'll listen to friends that will support the behavior or listen to other people that we
know are going to affirm the behavior that is conflicting with us. Right. So it's like
whatever we're hearing to appeal to our senses, whatever we're hearing, that's going to
make us believe, OK, this is our right to stay with this person. We will do it. We will suck
it up. We'll eat it up. We will listen to everything. We will listen to every podcast. We will
listen to every song we will. We will do whatever it takes to hear what it is that we want
to hear to appeal and satisfy those senses so that we can say, oh, no, this is
enlightenment. This is we are purposely together. Right. And the last sentence is touch.
Right. Which we use with our hands, which we feel OK. And I feel like this is a really big
one, because, again, this one is when we think about touching and hands with feeling
this is another one that can go to a love language.
So for those people whose love language is a person with physical touch, right, this one
may be difficult because physical touch is your love language. And maybe they hold
your hand. Maybe they rub your back, you know, but again, everything. No, not all the
way right. It's a little shaky. You will be telling yourself. But they’re affectionate, right?
They're doing all the things we also know the feelings, how we when we touch people
are connected to. How we feel when we're touching people, we're going to intimate
enough with them to where it's connected to our heart. And for those of you that, you
know, studies of the Bible, we know that it says the heart is deceptively wicked,
desperately wicked, deceitfully wicked is deceitful. It'll lead us astray because the heart
wants what the heart wants. It will make us believe what it wants us to believe because
we're so desperate for this love, it can be desperate for this attention and it can be
deceitful. And so a lot of times that feeling, that touch can be connected to the heart.
And then we're not unable to decipher what is actually for us, who is actually for us if it's
actually in alignment. And so I thought it was really important, like I say, to go through
those five senses and how we may be using spirituality to appeal to those five senses
because that's oftentimes what we will do.
All of those things combined. We will use those things. We will, you know if they are
appealing to any one of those senses and again, particularly if it's, you know, depending
on how who you are as a person, what senses are most important to you, that's what's
going to show up and that's what's going to keep you staying around a lot of the times.
But we will use those things and say that is, again, purposely or divinely orchestrated or,
you know, I know that God has us together for a reason. I know that the planets, the
stars have aligned us for a reason. And it's like, yes, no bank banks that I don't think so,
I'm not sure. OK, I'm not sure that that's what it is. OK, and so the second point I want to
make is when we talk about the census, you know, you have to ask yourself while you're
in this relationship or you're attempting to build, what is your motivation? You know, like
what is your motivation for building this relationship? And I get like so let's be clear. This
episode is not for the people that are out here, you know, busting a wide open. They
want to know what they say. Warm girl Summers is Istana to peak or whatever, like you
out here for one gorgeous girl.
Summer. OK, girl, do you if you out here busting a wide open, you would do that here.
You busting a wide open. I don't know which like what you call the male version of us a
wide open. But if you're out here doing it, ok, like I have no problem. There is no
judgment here from me. OK, so this is specifically for the people that are, you know,
desiring relationship or in some form of relationship, trying to build something, ask you
to x yourself, what is your motivation? And if you are one of those people that's Busoni
wide open, you can sell to what's your motivation. Right. Make sure you are sure that
your motivation is sole to be busting a wide open because you just casually want to bust
wide open versus getting caught up later on because you think you just bust in a wide
open. But now you to call it feelings because I do want to be very clear. If the intent is
impure, then it will disrupt your peace. Absolutely. If the intent is impure, it will disrupt
your peace. And what I mean by that is that it can feel good for a moment. It may even
feel good for, you know, a few seasons, but it will never feel good for an entire lifetime.
Never. Not if the intent is impure if there is some type of ulterior motive if there is
something where, again, like you or someone where I'm like, no, I'm you know, I'm
doing this because I'm just having fun.
I'm just out here having a good time. But, you know, deep down in your heart, you want
something real, but you tell yourself that because you that you all Busha busted wide
open into it. So that my heart girl, you going to find yourself in a wide-open, which are
your heartbroken. That's what's going to happen. So don't even do it to yourself. If the
intent is impure, if it's not coming from a place of honesty and genuineness, then it's
going to disrupt your peace. And like I said, it's going to feel good at that moment. It'll be
a good time, like, oh yeah, I'm living my life warm. Girl Summer. We've been locked up
this whole time. I'm not living my best life. I'm making up for the lost time. It's going to
feel good for a little bit. It's going to feel good for some seasons, but then is not going to
feel good for the entire lifetime. I promise you, in your state of confliction, you will have
more affliction. And I hope you all heard when I said that, like in your state of confliction,
you will have more affliction, less pain, and suffering. And I don't want that for ya, you
know, but that's what will happen, because when you are so conflicted about what it is
that you want, what it is that you desire, what it is, your motivation behind the
relationship, you are in this state of confusion that can only result in pain and suffering.
And it likely it might be for both of you might just be for one of you. Right. But affliction
will come if you kind of remain in that state of conflict. And so I think it's just important
because, you know, everyone now and Dave, we want to talk about relationship goals.
And in all of that, everybody wants to talk about relationship goals. But ain't nobody
making no goals for the relationships. Right. The only goal they got for the relationship
is to make it 20 minutes past, never long enough to post the hashtag relationship goals.
And you got to have more than that. You have to have more than that to be relationally
fulfilled. You have to have more than that to build a life with a partner that is going to
motivate you, that's going to feel supportive, that is going to fulfill your life with more
than what you are doing for yourself individually. Right. So you have more desire for
yourself than just to have the Hastert relationship goals set some goals for the
relationship. Some so many people don’t even set any goals for the relationship. It has
no direction, no path, and where they're going and they wonder why the relationship
ends or that they have these issues because neither one of them has any goals, any
direction for the relationship other than to post pictures on Ngram.
Or then the other big thing is now, you know, people want to be power couples, right?
Because we get a little bit grown now, at least for the people. I think that listen to my
podcast, we grow we and our thirties now. Right. So some people, you know, they
moved around, they moved away from relationship goals. But now everybody wants to
be a power couple because now everybody is a business owner and everybody is
making a little bit of money. Everybody's climb the corporate ladder is like, you ain't a
boss. I don't want you. You ain't making that money. You can't talk to me, Membranous.
We don't get along all that right. Everybody singing all of those things. So the power
couple is the thing, right? Everybody wants to be a power couple now and that's cool.
Like I support the power couple. But ourselves, you know, are you a power couple if you
know, if you are powerful everywhere but feeling powerless in your relationship, tell me
how that work. How are you going to be a power couple? If you feel and powerless in
your relationships where you're broken, you're drained, you're feeling empty, you're
feeling confused because all the time maybe you're are green is like Petrie's. You don't
get it because and he makes money. And so sometimes he stressed out all the time. So
yeah, we argue so you know, it just is like there some time that other like OK, cool, I get
it, you know, people get stressed out, there may be some arguing like I get that this, that
is normal.
That is a human thing. Right. You know, but you are you want to continue putting up
what is arguing every day. Is that something that you feel is in alignment? Is that
something that you feel is, quote, ordained by God? Is that what you feel like astrology
stars put together for you? Like are you? You are OK with sacrificing money or whatever
you want to obtain the money, you want to have this access to money, access to being
a, quote, power couple, all for the sake of your peace. And the last time I checked, the
going rate, the going exchange rate for peace was way more than any other currency
rate, any euros, any pesos I'm talking about. OK, this episode dropping on Tuesday, all
the taco Tuesdays you can have like it is, all the pesos you can get for the taco Tuesday
is not enough to equate to the exchange rate of peace. And that's what's being
disrupted every time you're arguing every day because he stressed out, you're stressed
out because you're trying to be a power couple and you do not need the money. We got
power and the relationship or you both on a power struggle, on a power trip, you know,
and that's a whole different episode on power couples. But again, what is your
motivation? What are you doing this for? What do you in this connection for? What do
you gain from it? How are you growing from it? Or are you doing it again to satisfy your
senses? Are you doing it for status wants You to have to yourself that what does that
look like? So when I say the going rate for peace, that that exchange rate for peace is
way more than any other currency.
You have to make a declaration to yourself that I will no longer give people a piece of
my mind at the expense of losing peace of mind. OK, like this again, we will go through
all the things. We will have all the drama just for the sake of saying we got a relationship
just for the sake of being able to post a photo, just for the sake of being able to say we
got a date for Christmas this year just for the sake of saying we bring somebody to the
wedding, that maybe we're next. What are you doing this for again? And I don't care if
you in the office right now, you can be at home, you can be in your car, you can be in
the chapel, like wherever you can be at the gym on the elliptical. You need to say this
out loud. I will not give people a piece of my mind at the expense of losing peace of
mind because am serious.You shouldn't be. You should not be jeopardizing your peace
or something. And maybe not even an alignment. So this is what I've realized is that we
will try to force relationships, connections, friendships, jobs, whatever, and primarily
relationships. That's what I'm focusing on today. We will try to force these instead of
really recognizing that the very thing you're yearning from and that person is what you're
not nurturing in yourself. And I think it's important to me on that and think about that.
And the reason why I'm saying is yours because I've been there. I'm telling the story
because I've been there. I've experienced it. I've done it. I wrote I could probably write a
book and I don't know, maybe I will. I will one day. I don't know. But I'm telling you guys
this from experience. Not to say like, oh, look what you've been doing out here, letting
people run over you or y'all out here and these conflicted relationships. No, baby, I've
been in conflicted relationships. I was I can relate to the relationship. OK, so I'm telling
you from experience that we will try to force these relationships, force these connections
instead of recognizing, again, like what we're yearning for is likely something that we're
just really not nurturing and cultivating in ourselves. And I know this like pria me an
example. I would typically be attracted to men that were very that came off as very
confident, very sure of themselves.
And why? Because I was not sure of myself. I was I thought that was so glamorous. I
thought I was so appealing that they just appear to be so secure and who they were and
what they wanted to do and who they were becoming. And I had no clue what it was
that I was doing. I didn't have any idea of my identity at the time. And so those ten that I
would try to hold on to for dear life that was not in alignment, that did all the things that
probably, you know, you can think of under the sun. But I'm still trying to hold on
because, like what they're you know, they're secure. They're this they were doing all
things speaking to me in the ways that we’re spaghetti-o’sr because I wanted to emulate
them instead of religious, figuring out for myself, well, how do I become that person?
How do I become confident like them? How do I become secure like them spending that
time on myself? I was trying to get it from them. So it's like how many how often do we
do that? Where we force to try to force the things that we know we know in our gut. It's
not right. We know whether it's your intuition, it tells you whether it is your gut, what is
your heart or whatever it is, whether you get a twitching or whatever it is the joke's on.
Everybody has something that tells them like this. I write the same it. I got my head out,
but we don't. We still stay there. We stay there and we stay there and we stay there until
there is nothing left. So we're broken into pieces and we've got to stop. We've got to
stop saying that and making excuses and saying that that is like we're going through
these tests. Are these trials, you know, that like we're being tested by God or something
like that. This is a test or you know, and I know other people are like right now, again,
people that are not maybe believers of God, you will still be saying something along the
lines of, yeah, but Petrie's, no relationship is perfect. And you are 100 percent right. I'm
well aware because we have imperfect people that are coming together in relationships.
So no relationship will ever be perfect. I'm aware of that. And that's not the expectation.
But what I do want to do is get to the next point of being able to identify the difference.
Right. The difference between healthy conflict versus conflict due to misalignment. OK,
and I think it's important to recognize this because, again, I think especially for people
that are spiritual beings, we can oftentimes default to those things. Right. Because we're
kind of taught, like, you know, that we tested on our faith on things.
And, you know, and again, certain things will happen and it is going to be utilized for
your story. But then there are other things that it's like you, you know, it's just it's not a
right. It's not right. And so, again, I'm going to start with the conflict due to the
misalignment. OK, so when you are experiencing conflict due to misalignment, it often
looks like confusion. It looks like constant arguing. It looks like uncertainty, like if you're
seeing somebody and you don't even know when y'all are going kicking. You'll never
know when the next day is going to be, you never know when you won't get a chance to
talk to them, stuff like that girl, sir, misalignment. That's what that is. If you have a lack of
direction on where it's going and I'm not talking about like the second or third day, like,
OK, like maybe y'all just you got to I got to figure out if I even want to be in your
presence. My third date. OK, like let's be real. I got to figure you got to get on my nerves
regularly. So but I'm family. You've been seeing someone regularly for some time and
there is still no, you know, a lack of direction, misalignment because of, you know, that
you want the relationship to go in some specific direction, that you want growth in the
relationship that you want to build with this person.
And they don't seem to be having the same dialogue, misalignment, misalignment. All
also can show up as co-dependency is shows up in several ways. And like I say, we will
make all the excuses because, you know, for all the things like, oh, well, she a good
woman know, because, you know, she'd be cooking for me and she bet she find she'd
be cooking and she'd be cooking gourmet meals and all my mom ever made
spaghetti-o’s. Sir, sir, there's more to life than being fun and making meals. Betterness
spaghetti goes. I hate to be the bearer of bad news for you in the Oasis space today,
but yeah, there are other things and qualities of a good partner that is in alignment with
you than spaghetti-os better than spaghetti-o and a banging body. Ma'am, there are
better things and better qualities of a man that are in alignment with you than a man that
is fine and will give you a message that you know is going to lead to sex. Like, come on,
let's lightless we going to get into it today. We go Himuro today, OK, there's more to it
than that. So we're not going to keep saying how old like he's great. Oh, he's so
attentive that because he's giving out massages that we know is gonna lead to sex or
because he's just fine, like, are we not doing that? We know the game, you know the
game.
So we don't stop making excuses for things that, you know are nonalignment. And then
when he leaves you heartbroken because you don't know when you will see him again.
But now you didn't get addicted to the D bubble, OK? So those are some ways that
misalignment can show up and I want you all to be able to recognize healthy conflict,
right? Because, again, as I say, the conflict will show up. That is a normal part of life. So
I don't want to go on relationships thinking that if any argument occur occurs or any type
of chaos or conflict occurs in the relationship, that that's a red flag. Right. That is a
normal part of life. You are two different people with two different personalities. So that's
going to happen. Right. But there is no such thing as healthy conflict and healthy conflict
can look like having a discussion. So maybe there was a little bit of a disagreement
because you both were used to kind of operating in gender norms. Right. So maybe he
was expecting that you would cook regularly every day, but you like. Well, maybe we
both work hard. And I expect that if I make it home later than you, then you will cook.
Right? So healthy conflict looks like both partners. You know, looking at their schedules,
communicating those schedules, and breaking those gender norms, you know, instead
of just going off a tradition of, well, every, you know, every day, my mom, we used to
have four-course meals cooked for my daddy.
Yeah, OK. Like, again, this is 20, 21 people out here working long jobs nowadays, both
people working. And so it's conversations around breaking those gender norms and
breaking those expectations sometimes. But that's healthy can be a healthy conflict. If
both are willing to have the conversation and reset those expectations, that's healthy
conflict. It's not disrespectful. It's not something that leaves you in a state of confusion.
It's something that can be discussed and appropriately addressed. Right. Healthy
conflict also looks and sounds like reassuring communication. It doesn't hit below the
belt. So when you guys do have disagreements, if not him calling you a little ball, hit her
with something that's OK. Is that is not you calling him low as she hit it half like you?
Now don't call him. And she doesn’t tell don't tell him that his you know, don't tell him
that he looks like his feet kick in kicking dust, you know, like things like that that you
know is disrespectful, you know, like it's different. We're going to Kjellaug. Right. Would
you know when the argument turns left and you stand down, that's going to hit below
the belt? Were spaghetti-both to hurt them, hurt the other person. Don't use your words
as weapons.
Right. So healthy conflict looks like reassurance, communication. It looks like supportive
communication. I understand. I hear you. I'm acknowledging what you're saying. And
you're able to have those conversations in those dialogues, even though you both may
disagree. Like you can come to terms with even agreeing to disagree healthily. Another
example of healthy conflicts could say you guys have some dates scheduled. So, again,
like this is when you maybe are on the dating stage or even, you know, for maybe my
now maybe as married couples, I will hope you're not in a misalignment Binyon with if
you're already married. But, you know, for those of you that are maybe dating again,
trying to build with somebody and you have this expectation that you guys are going to
go out the Saturdays and last two Saturdays, they cancel. Right. And I won't keep
picking all the guys, but so I'll say women because again, I know a lot of the ladies that
listen to this are go-getters. They are ambitious women. And so work and career is a big
part of life. So maybe last two days we cancel last minute, maybe I cancel last minute.
Right. And he says, well, you know, I I was looking forward to these days. And you've
canceled the last two weeks at the last minute, like, what is going on? Are you
interested? Is it something I've done? What, you know, help me understand? Well, that's
when healthy conflict shows up, it's one part of a partnership and expectation to say,
listen, this is how this makes me feel.
When you cancel last minute makes me feel like you don't value my time. It makes me
think that maybe this relationship that we're trying to build isn't a priority. And I want to
know if my perception is correct or if I'm off because I realize that we both have past
and maybe I'm you know, I'm having a trigger for something from my past. And I want to
give you a fair opportunity to share what it is that may be going through your mind. I
don't want to assume, but I do want you to know how it makes me feel because I've
looked forward to seeing you. I'm looking forward to spending this time with you. I'm
looking forward to getting to know you better. I'm looking forward to building with you.
But when you cancel these dates last minute, it makes me think that maybe I'm the only
one invested. Right. And then. That partner that is careful can then share their
perspective, you know, thank you for sharing that I realized that that was inconsiderate
and I have been so career-oriented for so long that I'm just used to putting work first.
And I have to know now that I have to be intentional to prioritize this relationship.
I have to now realize I need to manage my time better, my work schedule better. When I
know I have deadlines coming up. I am going to probably have to work a little bit hard
on some other days or either set some boundaries on my work calendar to ensure I
don't miss our Saturday dates because now I realize how important it is to you and it is
important to me to write. That's a healthy conflict that's expressing, hey, this is how I'm
feeling, this is how your negligence makes me feel. But I want to be open and receptive
to what you're saying. I want to still give you a chance to respond. That's healthy conflict
because it's two people with these two perspectives of like saying, hey, I got these
deadlines. This job was over for you. I realize I got some work to do. And it's going to
take more intentional thought of me to prioritize this relationship because work has
always been my relationship. Right. It's having both people's needs met, both people
being hurt without judgment, without fear of the relationship falling apart. If they
disagree, you know, without thinking like, oh, God, this is the end. That's it. They break.
No, I mean, this is over. You know, being able to share and have the uncomfortable
conversations and still feel safe and secure that it's OK. This person is not going to
leave.
This person is not going to just reject me. This person is not going to abandon me or
give up on me because I've questioned something or that I don't necessarily agree with
right off the bat with what they're saying. Right. That's what healthy conflict looks like.
And so if you have not been experiencing some examples of that, and it looks more like
the examples that I gave earlier of misalignment where that confusion is showing up,
maybe co-dependency wise or even, you know, lack of accountability, things like that,
then you probably need to just take a minute and re-evaluate. Right. And I'm not trying
to. Ruin anything for you guys? I don't want to disrupt I am, because I said I was going
to be a peaceful disruptor from the beginning of this. And so if your new listening to the
Oasis space now, you know, I'm here to be a peaceful disruptor, I'm here to disrupt the
chaos that you may have been experiencing your life. And I'm here to replace it with
peace, because if you are experiencing the examples of what I gave before of
misalignment, then I guarantee you you're probably experiencing chaos in your life right
now. And I don't want that for you. I want you to live a life that is leading to becoming a
peaceful pursue. So as I close out, I want you guys to, you know, bang on this as you
are considering the connections that you're making, as you're considering the
relationships that you're building as you are, consider the people that you may have
kept around longer than the expiration date yourself.
Have I kept this person around because they serve as a mask or even maybe a crutch?
That doesn't require me to look at the area where I may have deficiencies. And I repeat
that because I want you to get it so that in case you drive in, I want you to have to
pause and rewind it and possibly take you out of the road. No, I want you to get this.
And thank you for this. Have I kept this person around because they serve as a mask or
even maybe a crutch? That doesn't require me to look at the areas or areas where I
may have deficiencies. And I think that's an important question to ask. It is it requires
you to be self-aware, which is going to require you to be reflective again because
sometimes we choose people based on the qualities they have that we truly design
ourselves that need to be strengthened. And instead of recognizing it and having those
people help us cultivate some of those weaknesses, we just latch on to it. But we don't
ever cultivate them within ourselves. And so it's one thing to have a partner that helps
us grow some of those deficiencies, which can be possible. But it's another to not be
self-aware that you have those deficiencies and you latch on to them to where, again,
you become codependent in the relationship.
So I hope this has been helpful for you all. I know I feel like it was a lot packed in this
episode, but I thought it was time to get this out. I think, again, I feel like I've been
saying this too much. And again, quite frankly, I like the chemo. Which religion? I keep it
real in the Oasis space and it matches you. I have been in these situations myself, and I
want all of y'all to be living. I like to wear your body in peace. I want you all to you know,
I don't want to just call y'all my peace process. I want you to be in peaceful pursuit. And
a large part of that is being relationally far-field. Right. And you can't be relationally
Fairfield if you are making excuses to pimp out spirituality to satisfy your senses. OK, so
if you found this episode to be helpful like I said, I know it may be a lot to digest, and
that's cool, too. If you have questions for me, I would love to hear from you. If you have
a feedback slot in my dreams. Yeah, I'm open. I do not mind having a conversation. I
don't mind, you know, hashing out some ideas which you also have free discovery calls,
free consultation.
So if you think you need a little bit more than a couple of DBMS, hey, sign up for the
free consultation. I'm open to that as well because I want you guys to be living a life of
peace, because peace ofworksisha's so many things and I say it to people all the time.
Peace is an intangible feeling that shows up as tangible results. And I want that for y'all.
So again, if you found this episode to be helpful, please write and review it. Also, if you
don't think it applies, but maybe you have a friend, family member, whoever that it could
apply to. Share it with them because we don't want to be living in peace and have our
friends, our brothers, our sisters, our whatever coworkers living in bondage, living in
conflict. Right. We want them to be in peace, too. So definitely share this with them. And
if you aren't already following me, I show up primarily on Instagram. But, you know, I'm
on Facebook, too. Of course, we have the Facebook community that's in the show
notes, so definitely check that out. But for. Let me for the content so you know what's
coming up? No, when I'm dropping new products, I will be working on that as well. And I
would just love to engage with you all further. Intel, next time, y'all, I want you to live
your best life and embody peace without ever compromising your authentic identity.
Loving like yours.